Hello, all you brilliant people out there. I hope the new week has started well for you and that you can experience the Magic of Mondays. And if all is a muddle then I send positive and healing vibes your way so that you get all the support you need.
Last week I wrote about how a new week means new opportunities to create the life we want but I haven’t always been thinking of Monday’s like that. First of all, I never worked in a 9-5, Monday to Friday job. My days off always were all over the place and it’s just for the last two years that my days off are Sun, Mo, with a couple more days which are flexible because I work part-time. So Monday used to be just another day for me: sometimes I worked, sometimes I didn’t. But much more going to work caused me huge anxiety.
In my childhood, I had developed a subconscious belief that everything I did was wrong and/or caused other people harm. The reasons why don’t matter. Even though or maybe because of that belief I always tried to excel in everything I did. But no matter how much my supervisors praised my work and often relied on me more than on other staff, I never felt it was enough. It caused me huge anxiety to go to work and do what was asked of me despite the fact, I did well. I suspect my co-workers thought me a bit of a show-off because I always had to tell what I did or didn’t do right and what I had to change to become better. New opportunities only meant more failures and more disasters. It was awful.
The funny thing is, I knew of that belief for a long time, having had several therapy experiences. But until recently, I was never able to shift it. I suspect only knowing of subconscious believes don’t make much difference. You need to get to a point when you can allow yourself to experience something different. And sometimes life forces you to do just that. In my case, a health problem forced me to stay home for nearly a year and then to start working again slowly. My co-workers had to help me a lot. It was hard to accept help. However, not once did they make me feel like helping me was too much and in fact, they were glad I was back. They made sure to let me know that having me back was a great help. Maybe because I had so much time to ponder my life and myself I got to a point where I could believe them. Gradually, I figured: “Wow, not everything I do, is wrong! I do not always cause harm, I help!”
As I said earlier if you believe that all you do is wrong or causes harm you do not want new opportunities. You want to stay in bed and hope the world turns without you. But understanding that I had developed a belief that wasn’t helpful anymore and finding proof that it wasn’t true anyway shifted it slowly. These things are a process and often need many years. For me, it was a decade-long process of journaling, therapy, chats with family & friends, reading books and a lot of self-inspection. But I also think, that there is an aspect of magic in that process. I worked for years to change that belief but never got anywhere. It felt rather that it got worse than better. And suddenly out of nowhere it changed. Suddenly, I knew that what I did was ok.
It seems to me that expecting an aspect of magic in what I work for helps me to relax and just keep going. As long as I do my bit the rest will follow. And my bit doesn’t need to be huge. It can be only small steps at a time. Steps that I can manage. Maybe the change doesn’t come today or tomorrow. But it will come eventually. I find that reassuring.
Do you have a similar experience? You wanted to change something which didn’t work for many years but suddenly out of nowhere, it changed? Or do you think that’s another false belief?
You can do it!